the only thing we have to fear

I should be more scared than I am, I think. Others would be. The poor hubby most certainly is.

Lemme explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is going to .. wait. That's not it.

Ok- seriously this time:

Last week I found a lump on my arm. A big, gnarly, painful lump. A little bit of internet searching showed it to be a lymph node (who knew there were lymph nodes in the elbow?). A little more searching led me to think I might have an infection maybe, but surely it was no big deal. Right?

I felt exhausted and flu-ish all weekend, and then Monday so tired that I just didn't even want to get out of bed. So I decided it was time to go to the doctor. Got an initial round of bloodwork (which didn't show anything useful), some looks of concern, and an antibiotic, just in case. And an appointment to go back in 2 weeks, sooner if the lump got any bigger or things appeared to be getting worse.

Back to today. The lump is bigger. It hurts like the dickens. I'm tired all the time (some of that could be the antibiotic, though). I'm giving the antibiotic 1 more day to start working (and the lump one more day to stop growing) and then, I'm calling the Dr. again. Maybe it's just the wrong antibiotic for the potential infection that I have. Maybe it's not an infection after all. This is what has been on my mind all week. There are no answers yet, and there probably won't be for at least another week. Maybe longer. Because the biggest rub is this: we don't have medical insurance. Part of the "leap of faith" we took when I quit my job was to go without insurance for a while, and trust that God was going to get us through, somehow, until we could afford the insurance offered at Davey's job. Naturally it has already occurred to me that if I'm really sick, no insurance company is going to touch me if they can help it. So tests are expensive, and have to be paid for out of pocket.

(and let me just back up and say this: God has been so incredibly faithful. Everything we need and so much more has been provided, sometimes in the most unexpected, beautiful ways. That's part of the fun of living on faith. God gets to do stuff way cooler than we ever could do on our own.)

I should really be scared right now, I think. I am, just a little. But two thoughts keep coming back to me. That God will take care of us, and that if this is more than just an infection, I am strong enough to fight it. Maybe not to win, but to at least give it one hell of a bloody nose. Should that be so comforting? I don't know, but it is.

I am also reminded every single day what an amazing gifts I've been given. Being able to stay home with my girls, for one. The last four months have been supersweet, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I've got the greatest husband a girl could ever hope for, and I'm constantly being given the opportunity to fall in love with him a little bit more. Every day we share an amazing adventure. I live in the most beautiful place (methheads next door aside. I just don't look that direction), surrounded by mountains and forest and the beauty of creation (not to mention all the fun farm animals we've been collecting).

This past week, in spite of everything, I feel more connected to it all. So if nothing more comes of this than that, well, cool.

I feel a certain determination not to let this ... whatever it is, slow me down. In fact, it's becoming something of a motivator. Not much of one, because I'm still pretty exhausted every day, but still. This past weekend we started our vegetable garden (Davey did most of the real work while I "supervised"). Yesterday I started working out again. Nothing strenuous, but just enough to be able to say that I did it (And yes, sadly, I'm sore from it today. I haven't really worked out in 2 years!). I even got some laundry done today. Seriously, that last accomplishment is more impressive than you know.

Maybe I'm a little more scared than I'm willing to admit. It does feel good to get all this out of my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and the antibiotic will have kicked in and the lump will be smaller and all will be right in my little speck of the world. I hope so. But if you think about it, say a prayer for me, and especially for the poor, freaking-out hubby.

And since I don't like to be bringing people down - here's some adorableness to brighten things up:

Dang, I've got some cute kids.